The Joy of False Eyelashes

The Joy ..well are they a joy or just an enhancement, I’m going with the latter and let me explain why, my real eyelashes have vacated my eyes and I’m not at all sure they’ll return. Actually they’ve migrated to my upper lip chin and nose. Seriously ladies this menopause phase is not for the faint hearted.

eyelashes 2

A while ago I tried the whole false eyelash thingee.. and failed spectacularly ..

It was one of those afternoons that I took a notion, as I very often do. I’d left Polish plumber & Co to deal with some rather petulant Eastern Europeans plasterers  and took myself off to get  a cup of strong coffee,  however on my travels I popped into Boots. I had a couple of things coming up and I just wanted to feel a bit girleee. I perused up and down some aisles checking out makeup for the ‘over 50’ or as they some time call us ‘seniors’ which is something that irritates me greatly, but that’s for another blog.

There they were dozens of them, no, hundreds of them hanging there in little boxes declaring they’d ‘enhance my eye beauty’ black caterpillar like false eyelashes.


So taking advice from the Boots beauty consultant, I explained that I was a false eyelash virgin and what would she recommend.

‘deeses are de very best’ she had one of those telephone voices like my mother and aunts had, contrived poshness without pronouncing the TH’s

I doubt very much that she was trying to impress me, as I stood there in steel capped boot,s grubby work trousers and a plaster encrusted sweat shirt, even my hair bore  the wounds of a morning on a building site.

She handed me a little pink box with a couple of ‘hairy half circles’

‘These are the best’

‘dey are’

‘How do they stay on’ sez I

‘der is glue in de box’

‘So the whole kits here then’

‘ya need some liquid eyeliner’ sez ms Boots

‘do I’

‘now after, not before, you glue on the lashes you apply the liquid eyeliner and maybe if you like some mascara’

‘will my eyes stay open with all that on them’

‘luvvv you’ll look only massive, it’ll take years off ya’

Ms Boots was implying that false eyelashes would have the same effect as a facelift but that I’d also gain several kilos’

eyelashes 1

The reality..

The false eyelashes looked like intoxicated spiders clinging to my eyelids for dear life. Da eyeliner resembled a two uear olds drawing and I simply abandoned the idea of mascara, actually that’s the only thing I might have achieved.

My bathroom looks like an arachnid CSI murder scene.

I’m not kilos heavier and I’m still a 50 something mother, only now I’ve pulled out half my own eyelashes and taken an age to clean my poor eyes. They were sticky for ages too..


I should explain at this point that ‘massive’ is a Dublin word for ‘looking Good’ I didn’t.


They Joy of False Eyelashes, maybe not.


  1. How funny Denise! I have never used falsies but I have had lash extensions and I use the product Latisse on my lashes which makes them grow long. Works really well!

    1. Oh Denise what I’d give to be girlie .. I’m a mess.. I might give that Latisse a go.. I’ll have a look online..

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