The truth is I’m not sure I was ever any good at ‘Adulting’ or just being a responsible adult. I seem to have gone straight from puberty, stumbled through adulthood and arrived at menopause with no sense of being responsible at all in the intervening years.
Here I am mid fifties and it has to be said ‘mid fifties’ sounds very bloody old. I’m comfortable enough getting old, really I am, possible because I never felt I was getting older. I feel like I’m 35 or so. I obviously have an acute case of age dysmorphia, I’m sure that’s an ailment, one of many I’ve developed.
When I arrived at fifty, people told me it was ‘just a number’ but it’s a bloody big number, but I was in good physical shape. I had little idea what age and menopause were about to unleash on me.
It would appear that I develop an ailment every month or so. This months aliment is arthritis. Well between you and me I thought I’d developed some sort of ‘sports injury’ I’ve no clue why I thought that as I don’t partake in any sports activities at all. After a couple of visits to my doctor and an x-ray later my doctor declared ..
‘You need to go to a rheumatologist’
‘Why?’ sez I ‘Do they look after sports injuries’
And so it’d been confirmed, my poor right foot, the one I’ve been dragging around behind me for a number of weeks, is in fact, infected with arthritis. I’m not sure arthritis is an infection but it sure as hell is an ailment. This will mean of course that my stilettos will have to remain on the shelf. I’ll have to invest in comfy shoes and support tights.
Last months ailment was insomnia. Not the sort that keeps you awake at night, oh no, I can fall asleep, my recent insomnia wakes me up half way through the night. I swear I don’t now how, but at 4am I’m wide awake. I lie and listen to the silence, wanting to but not daring to get out of bed. I’m terrified, absolutely and irrationally terrified of what I might meet if I stray out of my bed and into the bathroom in the middle of the night.
I’m convinced (irrationally) of course that every spider, big and small have union meetings in my bathroom after dark and plan how to scare the absolute bejesus out of me. Every spider, and there are many, run at what can only be described as an olympic pace in this house. I’m just thankful that they don’t travel in packs or make noise.
Recent ailments have also included ‘growing sidewards arse syndrome’ Again, i’ts something to do with menopause, my arse and boobs are growing at a frantic rate. Such a frantic that yesterday I bought ‘extra large’ extra comfy drawers. I’ll probable have to get some more next week.
Included in recent (and not so recent) ailments is failing eyesight. I don’t know how it happened but it just did. Recently himself and meself ended up in a coffee shop. I love a good coffee shop, with its selection of coffees and exotic pastries, preferably a French coffee shop. For some reason, we both turned into sorta elderly people, fortunately this was just a temporary situation. We were fussing around one and other. We were close to calling one another ‘Dear’. Fortunately it didn’t happen. But something much worse did, oh yes much worserrr.. We didnt have a pair of glasses between us.
We were like two blind gobshites, fannying about unable to read a menu. The pair of us squinting. So what do you do when you can’t read the menu. I’ll tell you what you do, you ask for coffee and a tart. Then hopefully they’ll bring you coffee and a pastries and not some provocatively dressed awl wan. Mind you himself might have been happy enough with that.
Then there’s forgetfulness ..
The Joy of an ailment
Keep yourself wrapped up this winter.