It’s happened, my baby is all grown up and about to head to college. It’s an odd feeling when your youngest child is all grown up and enthusiastic about embarking on his new life without you.
As mother as I am anxious about him, how will he cope. Will he grow his hair long, maybe a beard wear jumpers with holes in or have issues possibly even worse, develop ‘political views’
Right now the world is his and his possibilities are endless, unfortunately young people don’t realise or understand what they’re capable of acheiving.
I was under the illusion that I had prepared my sons to look after themselves to go out into the world to take care of themselves and be responsible people.
I say illusion as I thought they were prepared, I though they could fend for themselves, thought they had the basics, like cooking, cleaning, shopping for themselves. This was, as it turns out an illusion.
A recent stay in hospital proved this to be true, just an illusion. It was an unexpected stay so I didn’t have time ‘sort everything out’ before I’d left for the hospital.
Lying in my hospital bed I answered text messages about lunches, assuring them that beans on toast was a good lunch, but they were unsure of how many cans of beans or how many slices of toast.
‘We could have two cans each and four lots of toast’ eldest texted
‘Might be a bit fibrous sweetheart’
‘What ya mean’
‘Yeah two cans will be fine’
I wouldn’t have to deal with the emissions so not a jot did I care.
They would arrive for visits and complain about their father’s cooking ability and his lack of sympathy when they had destroyed their own dinners .
I was sure I’d prepared them for life. They were capable young men I was sure of it, that was until I got the text message about the washing machine.
‘Where’s the play button on the washing machine’ eldest texted
‘Play button ?’
‘Yeah .. Play button to get it on’
‘Oh that would be the on button, on the right hand side’
‘Oh which right hand side, my right hand side or the machines right side’
‘Yours’ I was exasperated really I was
‘Did you saperate the washing’
‘Duh.. of course, I left the clean washing in the airing cupboard and put the ‘dirty’ washing in the machine’ he was using one of those ‘are you seriously asking me this’ voices.
‘That’s good’ I really didn’t care what colour his white tee shirts would turn, grey, green or pink I didn’t care
Looking for reassurance from my sister that I had in fact prepared my sons well, I called assuming she’d say ‘you did a great job’ or ‘theyre great young me’
It’s not always safe to assume, oh no.
‘Look, they can cook for themselves, they won’t starve, they’ll be just fine, despite the lies you told them over the years’ yeah that’s how reassuring she was
‘Lies’ sez I a bit puzzled
‘When they were kids you never told them the truth’ she scolded
‘I didnt ?’
‘Oh lets see’ she was on a roll I could tell
‘When you were asked what a Lesbian was, what did you tell him’ yeah she was getting a bit cocky now
‘Well he was only four’
‘Remind me what you told him’
‘Lesbians were people with the same surname’
‘What happened to the child’
‘He called the Beaky twins lesbians and that was his first visit to the principles office’
‘What did you tell the child about the ‘mating dogs’ well’
‘I couldn’t explain mating dogs to a toddler’
‘What did you tell him’ she demanded
‘The dog on the bottom was blind and the other one was pushing him to the shops’
‘What about the horse’ she had a memory like an elephant i swear to god
‘To be fair it looked like he had five legs’
‘What did you tell the child’
‘That he lost the foot off the middle leg when he tried to jump a fence that’s why it just hanging there’
‘Look college won’t be a problem to him at all, being socially inept after all the misinformation you fed them over the years may be an entirely other thing’
Oh dear God I really was a terrible mother. If I wasn’t menopausal I could possible have had another child and do it all properly. But alas I am menopausal and that boat has sailed.
I have just sent my children out in to the world hoping they figured out what lesbians are and that horses don’t actually have five legs.
The Joy of a College Teen..
Never mind your teen, get yourself a bright phone cover.
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