So with body changing at a rate of knots action needed to be taken and the sooner the better as far as I was concerned. I was missing my waist and had become quite obsessed with checking out other ladies (of a certain age) waists. It seemed to me that not everybody’s had disappeared as mine had.
I would love to be in good physical shape, truly I would. I have friends who are very fit and are always taking on challenges like swimming for charity or running a marathon, I couldn’t even walk a bloody marathon, but I could drive 26 miles and that’s the only way I’m doing a marathon.
So for no other reason other than reading that Madonna and Meg Ryan both practised yoga I though I’d give it a go. I suspect they may do a little more than Yoga mind you.
Where to start, with the wardrobe of course. I hit the shops with some gusto in search of appropriate yoga gear, which means yoga gear that would cover me up and be very stretchy I was after all wearing stretchy jeans so I needed something even stretchier.
The young and very beautiful girl in the sports shop kitted me out, I felt amazing. I had yoga pants and long bright orange tee shirts, I even had orange yoga shoes, I didn’t even look particularly round, there was even a faint waist shape. All clothes should be made like yoga clothes, for these were magic clothes.
As I arrived at my first Yoga class I observed the other Yogis, that’s what people who practice the art of Yoga are called, so the girl in the shop told me. It has to be said my yoga gear looked very new, all these awl wans looked liked they’d been here before. I suspect I stood out like a sore thumb in ‘me gear’ I even had a new mat.
First task of the class was to learn how to sit, emm, I excelled at this, but usually on a sofa. Our Yoga instructor walked around her classroom checking that we were all comfortable and she introduced herself to us newbies.
I sat cross-legged on my new mat quite pleased with myself when the yogi beside me leaned over and suggested I take off my shoes..
‘We practice in bare feet it’s much easier that way’ she whispered
‘But these are Yoga shoes’ I said proudly as if I had one up on her
‘Yoga shoes, Yoga shoes I’ve never heard of Yoga shoes’ she grinned
Well that witch in the sports had sold me a rake of gear that it seems I didn’t need at all leaving me mortified. Yoga shoes indeed.
So shoes off, sitting cross-legged on my new mat I was breathing as directed I was stretching up and pulling my belly button in as far as I could and I though I was doing very well indeed.
That was until we were directed to stand and stretch and eventually arrive at the warrior pose. We were holding the pose and stretching our muscles all at the same time, I was concentrating so hard I was sweating.
At this point I should explain, I am a lady of a certain age and have given birth a couple of times, let’s just say things are not as tight as they used to be. I was far too busy to do those bloody pelvic floor exercises, I though I’d have it laminated eventually. That was a joke by the way, I really should have just done the exercises.
Where is this going, well ladies just between you and me, I have a fear of farting. It’s true, terrified to fart in public. So here I am stretching things that haven’t been stretched in years, no decades and now my fear of farting has raised it’s ugly loud head.
So off we went again, stretching arms in the air and stretching upwards eventually and I’m not really sure how it happened we arrived at Downward Dog position. Oh sweet Jesus I had my buttocks clenched as tight as possible. There’d be no trumpet noises from me, oh no not me.
With buttocks still clenched tight we arrived back at standing position, the stress was killing me, this was no relaxation class. My buttocks were so tightly clenched that I could have bounced a two Euro coin off of it.
Then the loudest trumpet noise I’ve ever heard in my life, the noise bounced off the walls and spread around the room and the whole building I would imagine echoing as it went.
I could see her growing red as the giggles started around the room and other yogies glancing at her. Oh the poor woman I felt her embarrassment and so relieved it wasn’t me. Actually I was thrilled it wasn’t me.
We all carried on as if nothing had happened, but something had happened, some poor woman was embarrassed and most probably upset. To be fair her trumpeting skill were first class.
‘See you all next week’ Yoga instructor beamed
She won’t see me I’m off to practice with YouTube I can’t be arsed with all that relaxing stress, I’ll simply buy some appropriate under garments to give me a waist, or maybe just spend my days in my Yoga pants.
The Joy of Yoga or maybe not.